Nursery Humor

As I settled down for my coffee this morning I was reading the latest Plant Delights Nursery catalog, Gardening Jihad.

I was doing this instead of watching the birds, as is my regular habit, because I couldn’t bear to look at the sight of the ravaged bird feeding station.

Those wicked, wicked raccoons have nearly broken a branch off my zelkova to reach the bird feeders, which they smashed on the ground. I thought, perhaps, when I installed the new feeding station, with raccoon baffle, that I should move it a bit further from the tree. But I DO seem to learn things the hard way and this is yet another example.

So rather than reminding myself so early in the morning of how very stupid I can sometimes be, I was thumbing through the pages of this clever catalog. I enjoy it when I stumble across humor in unlikely places. I mean, who thinks to read a nursery catalog for chuckles, right?

But Plant Delights offers a few good ones.

In their ordering information section there is a subsection on “How To Be a Good Customer.” It says:

We realize that most folks have never been trained to be good customers, so we decided to offer a few pointers…Our nursery uses a thought process called logic. Logic dictates that if you order plants and forget to open them for a couple of months, don’t ask us to send free replacements. If your plants are fine when they arrive, and are later eaten by a vole, die from drought, or look like a fire hydrant to your dog…don’t ask for more…to quote Trek’s Spock, “It is illogical.”

I also enjoyed their short treatise on invasive plants:

…While the invasive plant issue is a great area of concern to us, a proposed nationwide ban of plants that are only invasive and hardy in Hawaii or South Florida is absurdly extreme. We are very aware of a small but vocal group of plant bigots who advocate a horticultural ethnic cleansing as a means of satisfying their myopic view of nature. As with all vices, moderation and responsibility are the answer.

And at the back of the catalog I stumbled across a “Special Paid Ad” from Shady Deals Nursery, Emu Ranch, Nail Salon, Video Poker and Auto Body Repair. Their new releases for the season included some good ones:

Eucalyptus gunnii ‘Dick’s Adventure’ (Hunting Gum) $129.95 Very closely related to robust E. ‘Haliburton’, this selection can be a bit more brittle, so we recommend the use of a stint to support weak arterial branches. If you hear something pop, don’t worry, it’s probably just a limb heading your way.

Juglans koreana ‘Kim Jong Il’ (Nuclear Nut) $79.95 This is one of the strangest nuts that we have ever seen. The olive-green nuts hit the ground with explosive force and afterwards have a strong allelopathic effect starving anything nearby.

And given my current computer issues, I particularly liked this one:

Tricyrtis formosana ‘Gates of Bill’ (Extrasoft Toad Lily) $44.95 This is the 20th new version of this popular perennial. The last one we sold would grow well, then stop growing, then start over again. We’ve been promised this is an improvement.

If you’re not generally given to reading nursery catalogs, perhaps you should reconsider and start with this one.

I’m so pleased with the morning chuckle that I’m ordering a grunch load of calix from this now.